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He has a right to ask questions to clarify understanding you, he has a right to state his own thoughts/feelings, he has a right to negotiate whatever changes you’re proposing.
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Having to bring up what is essentially a complaint about your sex life might not be something easy, or something they want to hear, but you have to be careful not to abandon yourself or invalidate your feelings because of your fear of your partner’s reaction. As difficult as it might sound, you have to press through the social anxiety that might be associated with sitting your partner(s) down and telling him/them what’s going on with you (my article on “don’t ignore the hard stuff” is here). We have to be true to ourselves about our own sexual orientation, and self-validate that as a gay men, and then we take it further by self-validating what we like, or don’t like, within the options of gay male sexual expression.Īfter you self-reflect and you’re clear on what you’re thinking/feeling internally, it’s time to share those thoughts and feelings, usually with your partner (or, in the case of polyamory, in your polycule). These are all important considerations, because if we didn’t validate our own sexual feelings, we could just “attempt” to “fake it” and “be” straight and enjoy all kinds of heterosexual privilege in society! But it doesn’t work that way. What do you really want? Is the way you’re expressing yourself sexually the way you want to be expressing yourself sexually? If not, why not? What do you want to see happen for yourself sexually that isn’t currently happening? What do you want to Start, Stop, or Change to make it better? Would this involve what you’re doing yourself (regarding masturbation, use of porn, use of erotica, etc.)? Your partner? Someone else? A group of others? Giving yourself time to reflect, and posing even some difficult questions to yourself, is key. This communication about getting your own sexual needs met starts with communicating those needs to yourself. Perhaps the number one task in couples therapy, and more specifically sex therapy, is communication. Without it, you’re stuck in dysfunctional communication patterns and circles that keep the person or couple frustrated, month after month (or even year after year). Communication is one of these: with it, and you can do a lot toward effecting positive change and the rewards that brings. I have a joke in session that I use a lot: “The older I get, the stronger my opinions get.” This is because time after time, with client after client, I see the same patterns of what goes wrong that flips people out, and what generally helps them get back on track. Let’s look at each of these more closely: These are: 1) Communication 2) Negotiation and 3) Experimentation in very concrete, behavioral, real-world terms. Recently, I was working with several couples in the same week on their goal of improving their sex life, and I realized that the guidance I was giving each of them really boils down to three main areas of focus. It’s one of the more frequent life challenges that clients bring to me. But it seems to be very common for gay men to “want something more” in their sex lives, whether single or partnered/married. It’s a fair question for me as a sex therapist, although that’s not all I do I work helping gay male individuals and couples on many of life’s challenges.
How to have the best gay sex how to#
In my daily work with clients as a gay men’s specialist therapist for 29 years in 2021, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, as well as an LGBT-affirmative, gay men’s specialist coach, author, speaker, and consultant, one of the most frequent questions I get is how to help gay male couples improve their sex lives. Ken Howard, LCSW, CST, is the Founder of in Los Angeles/West Hollywood, California